The Power or Love

Hello my dear readers, its me again. I've really had time to sit and think over the last day and a half about what love really means to me. I know I have given many examples in other posts but this one is going to be a bit different. My heart seems to make circles when it comes to relationships and love and happiness. I always end up where I left off. I can't really put a finger on why some guys I just have a complete bond with, while others I don't. I look at all my previous relationships and most of them I can say I don't regret my decision to have walked away or let go of that someone. I feel I have grown from bad relationships...and even the good when they don't work out. There is always something positive you take away from the experience and something you learn. There is always a greater strength that comes from struggle, believe me I've seen and gone through much to finally understand what that meant. You still struggle, you still grieve, and you still feel the pain and hurt that comes with trial. There is no escape. But it is what we do with that pain and struggle that truly defines us. Do we pick ourselves up, dust off our pants and move forward toward a hopeful future of happiness, or service toward others? Or do we just lay down and give up? Though there are extremely hard moments when you love someone so much your heart just shatters thinking of what could have been or what may have been, and then you think...what if it isn't time yet. What if everything has a specific moment when things just fall together in a perfect alinement? I'd like to believe that. There are a few things I've never really expressed to people except for family. One being a dream I had back when I was 23. From the time I was 12 I had the start of a bitter taste of hatred toward marriage. Granted, I was 12 and my reasoning at the time was, of course, childish. All my older cousins were getting married and living in that lala land bubble we all find ourselves in when we get married, which meant they became adults and stopped hanging out with us. I stood up on my soapbox and vowed never to get married because I didn't want to stop being a kid and having an imagination or doing kid like things. I did however specify that if I DID get married I would never ignore my younger cousins and I would always be the big kid. Course time changed all that. You start dating and your heart does that crazy pitter patter thing and the world just disappears and...you fall in what you think is love. Growing up wasn't easy for me. I moved here from California to a small town where everyone knew who you were and rumors started like wildfire. I was called every name in the book and many even told me to move back to California where I came from. I wasn't the only one damaged by such name calling and hurtful things. My family also felt the effect. So when I grew up and made it to high school dating was hard. I had guys that would go out with me just to see how far I would go. And when I wasn't ready for what they wanted, again the ugliness of name calling and hurtful jests were made. Confidence wasn't my middle name and I found it hard to look people in the eye sometimes. I did however fall in love with an amazing guy who seemed to know who I was and how to treat me the way that no one else did. In my book no matter who he was or what he did I saw good. I saw an amazing heart that made him more attractive than any guy I dated. He was there when I needed him and he always said the right things when I struggled. That to me was love. He was patient, he was kind, he treated me with respect, and never made me feel ugly, stupid, or worthless. I felt important and special to him and not just that notch on ones belt. I was attracted to that. I craved it. I wanted it and didn't want to let it go. We never really got the chance to date in a relationship but we had one special night on a couch, watching Titan A.E. And for the first time in recorded history I gave him my heart. I felt a bond I couldn't explain at the time and saying "I love you" needed to be special with him. I found myself in other relationships harder than the last and again found myself with that bitter taste of hate toward men and marriage. I searched for that feeling I had with that one guy. That bond and passion of what love really was, but never found it. I grew to hate men so much that I would tell anyone that I was NEVER getting married or having kids because of what I had to endure. I would look at myself in the mirror and never really knew who I was or who I wanted to be because in all honesty I wanted to be that girl that someone loved but with so many names and reasons why someone didn't want to stay with you swirling around in your head, I didn't know who to be. I didn't just focus on that one gentleman that I fell in love with in high school. I patterned what I was looking for not only from that guy but what I saw in my parents. My parents taught me what love was to begin with. I watched as even though they had arguments or got mad at one another they still loved each other and it showed. My dad the amazing man that he is is the exact type of man I want my husband to be. He is patient, he is kind, he knows what to say when you struggle. He loves my mom with all his heart and shows her every single day through the little things. When they argue, the next day he brings flowers or is the first to apologize. My mom always leaves little notes or paper hearts on the door or the mirror or his steering wheel in his car. They make a team of 100% partnership. One day we were all talking and we started to talk about how my mom and dad met and what made them fall in love. Before we moved my dad wasn't active in the church and my mom always encouraged him to join them but never pushed. She would take us to church by herself most Sundays. I've never seen so much strength in my mother as I did then. And as we were all talking about that my dad got emotional and told us how much he loved our mom and that if it weren't for her he doesn't know where he would be today. He said she was his strength when things were hard and she was the one that kept him going. My mom shows my dad she loves him in different ways. I watched them laugh together. I watched them walk hand in hand down the beach watching the sunset. They had four amazing children that they love so much every day. Through trial they strength each other. They communicate. Life and marriage isn't perfect and yes there are times of struggle and anger but never once did I ever feel my parents would ever leave one another because of how much I knew and saw that they loved each other, and that is what I wanted more than anything. I wanted a man to treat me exactly the way my dad does for my mom. As time went on I also have my sister and her husband as great examples, and my younger brother and his wife, and my other younger brother and his girlfriend. But like I said before my bitterness grew every time a relationship would fail and my heart broke. Until one night I was so angry with God and with men I just wanted to scream and I cried myself to sleep feeling the lowest I had ever felt. Here comes the dream. I was laying in a hospital bed and I could only see the wall in front of me since everything else was blurry on the sides of me. So I wasn't sure if there was anyone else in the room. And as I looked at that wall in front of me a doctor whose face I couldn't see held up a beautiful baby boy with these blue eyes that just lit up his face. And the way he looked at me, I knew he knew I was his mother. I felt this overwhelming love and bond of motherly instinct of knowing he was mine. I still get teary eyed thinking about it. I wasn't able to hold him but felt such love in that dream and almost immediately a name came to me like someone had spoken it clear as day...Dylan. I knew that's what his name needed to be and then the dream faded and I woke up. My life changed completely. The bitterness was gone and I wanted to get married to a respectful, kind hearted man like my dad, to have that beautiful baby with. My outlook on relationships changed dramatically. And I was willing to try again and grow from the relationships that failed. My heart changed and the kindness returned. I was ready to start on that journey to be that woman that one day would make some man very happy, offering counsel when needed and comfort and support, and love. And to also be a great mother and making my children feel like they are worth everything and to be the example they need to grow into loving kind adults that will be examples of love and kindness to those around them. I've fallen in love two other times with men I loved with all my heart. I regret the first time I fell in love back in high school and wasn't able to tell him not to leave and that I loved him so much. I also regret the second time I fell in love and walked away from it. I didn't fight for him or what we had and I regret to this very day. I loved him and he loved me and my family loved him. But I got scared, afraid that if I got married I wouldn't be able to accomplish my goals in life at that point in time and I walked away. If I could just go back in time and fight for him and for our love I would in a heartbeat. Lance was a good man but because I chose what I chose...another woman won his heart the day I finally realized I didn't want to let him go. I was too late. I learned something that day. A mistake I never wanted to make again. When you find love DON'T let it go. DON'T let them walk out of you life. Fight for them. Be there there for them. If they make you happy chase it down and hold on tight. The last time I fell in love was with a man who made those words "I love you" special to me. It was already an amazing day and we were with my family celebrating a special event in my life and as we stood alone in a special place away from my family he told me he loved me and I felt how honest that was. After he left out of country for a month an a half things changed and he came back and gave back my heart. I spent the next three years trying to move on but every time I did he would come back and we would hang out and I would get hurt. Finally after a motorcycle ride and some good hard advice...I let him go because I was ready and because he wasn't ready to commit and wasn't ready for a woman like me because he couldn't see the real me. I hear from him only through facebook from time to time but that's it. I don't regret that decision. We didn't fit. And as I looked back today I can honestly say I have grown more from being with him than I had in a long time. Love has a great power to heal even the hardest of hearts. Love to me is so much more then just making love with passion. Its a bond that never breaks no matter how far you are away from one another or how many days you are apart, when you see that person even after 5 years your heart sings, the light in your eyes brightens, and you are happier than you were before. That amazing guy I fell in love with back in high school came back five years after our last time together. I can't put in words what I feel or felt when I saw him. It was like someone shocked me into existence and that bond seemed to grow over lost time. It just felt right. It was a connection that not even in the others that I fell in love with could compare. I don't know how to explain it. But again I let it slip away and I lost that love and bond again. He has always been there for me, always been my best friend. And I wish he knew just how much I wanted him to stay on so many occasions. I wanted to be selfish. Another six or seven years went by and again he came to my mind. I contacted him...and for the first time I was able to tell him how much I truly loved him. I don't regret anything with him. Every time he called, every time he texted there was a happiness that I had forgotten that he brought back that I needed at that very moment. Again things haven't worked and my heart is left shattered and yearning for his love every day. Selfishly I wanted to be that woman that makes him happy. I wanted to be that woman that made sure he knew that every day I was with him or away from him. I wanted to love his kids like they were my own and be there for them like a friend. So many things left unspoken and undone. Its funny how life is sometimes. There are two things that make me wonder. Does fate or God, if you believe in a higher power bring these moments into your life to beat you over the head to show you how much you are meant to be together because you make each other happy but because of our choices we seem to walk away because we have to because of timing or because we need to. I laugh to myself because there are two men from my past that I went to high school with, that keep showing up at random moments. No one else I have dated has ever come back for me as much as these two. I loved one and only had a crush on the other. I kissed one but haven't the other. This other guy from high school contacted me today. I heard from him back in December as well and we hung out but things didn't work out. This guy I had a crush on in high school I ran into at the Credit Union I was working at before I moved out of my parents house. He was finalizing a divorce with his wife and came in to notarize some paperwork. We decided to get together and catch up. As we sat at Summit Inn pizza talking about old times...good times. I asked him about what happen between him and his wife and why the divorce. He was silent a moment and I could tell he was hurting. He expressed what happened and how much he loved her even still. He said she was a good person but it wasn't working. I asked him what made him give up? He looked at me with tired sad eyes and I knew I said the wrong thing. He told me that divorce isn't weakness and it doesn't mean you gave up, it simply means you physically tried everything you could to be happy and to work things out. He said there is a time when you know that things aren't going to get better and that you progress better separated than you would if you were together. I asked him when you knew it was time to let go and he said when you simply can't do it anymore and you both aren't helping each other grow and progress to become better people for each other and for others. I had another friend I asked the same question to years later who had a little baby. She simply told me that divorce isn't easy especially as a single parent but rather than be the example of a poor relationship with no love she wanted her baby to know the example of what two people could have if they were happy in love. She told me it is a type of sacrifice she is willing to make so her baby would grow up knowing that example if she happened to find another guy to marry. She said her and her husband were better apart than together and they were happier apart and got along better apart than together and she would rather her child remember the good the divorce was for the both of them than if they stayed together unhappily. She told me they fought for their marriage for years. I asked her what they did to try. She told me that a marriage councilor gave them this advice. Sit down and go over a list of what needs to be worked on and changed. Make goals toward those changes and find ways that might help you reach those goals. Then set a future date like six months as the ultimatum decision on if you choose to stay together or get a divorce...also known as the point of no return. Then set a midpoint date so you can assess the goals and list of things that are being worked on. At that midpoint where is your happiness...your love towards one another? Have things improved? If not why? And talk about other options to help work on it further. Once you make it to the end date...the point of no return that final decision. Go over the goals the list and your happiness and love for one another. Did it work? Did you plateau? Meaning did you progress only to a certain point then stop progressing for a time, get comfortable and go back to what you were doing before then when talked about again progress to the same point, stop progressing, get comfortable and fall flat again. She said a marriage where there is progress but no growth is a bad sign especially over years. She told me you can only physically handle so much before it wears on you emotionally and physically. She said its unhealthy to live that lifestyle without being happy. So in a way I could see her point that in her situation it was better to let go than hang on. I've had so many different examples of what love is. And one day finding that powerful love that doesn't just walk away or give up or grow dim but build and grow brighter with each step you take together. Love is forgiveness. Love is kindness. Love is patient. And true love never really fades. I want to be that woman who stands by her husbands side supporting his needs, wants, desires, dreams, and goals. A woman like my mom that when trial or struggle hits you become a strength a beacon for all to see. I want to be that strength for my husband to help him see the best in him and that his weaknesses are positives not negatives. A partnership and companionship that works hand in hand to make life better for one another and to pull the good out of each other instead of the bad. To know when to apologize during an argument and to communicate through many different languages of love. My mom once told me one day driving home from the store when I was 16 about an impression she had. She told me that she felt my sister would get married young and that I would get married older in life. My mom was right. My sister got married at the age of 22. I am almost 32 and still not married but in my old years. She also told me that she had a feel I would marry someone special. A good man who would show me what love is and combined together we would be examples of what love should be to those around us. She told me she felt that I would bring my husband to the church. She didn't know if that meant someone who wasn't active or someone who wasn't LDS but through me and my example would choose that path and become a better person. I haven't seen that part yet but it's coming. I feel it. I have felt it for a little while now. This other guy from high school that contacted me today...I don't know if it will work out or if we even fit, but when you are given chances over and over again over a period of time you don't waste it and you don't give it away. Love doesn't knock on your door everyday but when he does...you let him in. To my other high school love that I recently watched walk away. I miss you. I know your there. I know your reading this. And I don't know how many more times I will get to say it, but I love you. And YOU made me happy. My advice is take risks, enjoy life, love with all your heart and find that special someone who makes you happy and a better person so you can not only show your kids what love truly is but give them that example to carry on in their own lives because it shows when you don't and that makes things even worse. Love is a powerful thing and it never strays far from the heart. To all of my dear readers love as if it was what is giving you life and never let go of something special. For you never know when those chances you get to be happy and in love with someone will end. Fate or God only gives us so many chances before they are given away. Don't make my mistakes and allow someone you love walk out of you life just because you made a stupid decision or was too afraid to let love take your heart to a new level of life. I love you all and bid you all a glorious and wonderful night.

Love the QuietWriter